The Million Word Year

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Archive for July 11th, 2010

Thoughts : Everything is better when you’re twelve

Jul 11

Posted by MegaWordMan in Articles, Features | 2 Comments

Just when I’ve been musing on nostalgia extra hard today, I come across this Tom the Dancing Bug gem :

I remember this comic being funnier before

The truths related in the comic are not unique to it, of course. In fact, this seems to be the exact moment in history when said truths are becoming well known as they spread through the zeitgeist. Perhaps it took this long because me and my fellow Gen-X types had to reach the right age for our relentless self-mocking autosatirical analysis to have enough information to draw the conclusion.

Nevertheless, the “when you’re 12″ effect is a real thing. A lot of absolutely serious, completely earnest people will tell you that the things they liked as kids and teenagers were, objective, simply absolutely superior to everything that came before or could possibly come after. All art, culture, music, television, and other mass culture just happen to have attained the pinnacle of perfection exactly as they came of age. What a lucky break, huh? Man, imagine if you’d been born just five years later, you would have grown up liking stuff that sucks! How lame would that be?

Now I have no problem with people retaining a fondness for the things they loved as a kid or a teen. That’s natural and normal and healthy and fine. It’s when they insist, despite all the chaqun son gout and there’s no accounting for taste in the world, that there is solid, incontrovertible objective reality to their love of Astro Boy above all other cartoons ever that I start having a problem with it, especially when they shit all over everything new, or worse, everything ELSE, in the process.

It’s like insisting that everyone agree with you that your first love was, objectively, the most beautiful girl in the world, without the slightest shade of doubt, and anyone who doesn’t agree with you is a liar and an idiot and has no taste in women.

I know it’s hard for people to admit to and recognize their own subjectivity, but you’re not going to get anywhere with that kind of “my love is objective and true” attitude. It just leads to a lot of pointless arguing and people getting vastly bent out of shape and angry over things which do not warrant it. No matter whether you’re right about Scooby Doo being way better than any stupid Transformers cartoon ever was, and this asshole arguing with you is WRONG WRONG WRONG and is a stupid head butt face fart monkey too, when you both leave the party you’re going to go home and watch the DVDs that make you, personally, happy and that will be the end of it, forever. Neither of you stand a chance of winning the argument, because you are arguing over something that can’t be argued. De gustibus non disputatum est, there’s no arguing with taste. Different people like different things, and what might be right for you, might not be right for some. It takes… DIFFERENT STROKES TO MOVE THE WORLD, yes it does, it takes…

…ahem. Sorry. Had a moment of my own nostalgia there. Where was I? Oh right.

Myself, I don’t really feel the effect. I’ve mostly just observed it in others. I don’t know whether that’s primarily due to my being scrupulously objective, fair, realistic, broad-minded, and understanding, or whether it’s more that I have always been an isolated, bookish nerd who rarely liked anything, new or old, and who always experienced things out of sequence with time anyhow. Probably a lot of both.

But I’ve always had a very open mind when it comes to appreciating things regardless of time period. I really find it hard to grasp the idea of a book or movie being “too old” to like. That just doesn’t enter into my thinking. There’s good art, and bad, and that’s the only criterion that matters. Anything might be good or might be bad. I’ll make up my mind when I get there.

Still, let’s set the wayback machine to when I was 12, 1985, and see what was big back then.

Well, music-wise, according to this site, the following songs hit number one on the charts :

Madonna - Like a Virgin
Foreigner - I Want to Know What Love Is
Wham! - Careless Whisper
REO Speedwagon - Can't Fight This Feeling
Phil Collins - One More Night
USA for Africa - We Are the World
Madonna - Crazy for You
Simple Minds - Don't You (Forget About Me)
Wham! - Everything She Wants
Tears for Fears - Everybody Wants to Rule the World
Bryan Adams - Heaven
Phil Collins - Sussudio
Duran Duran - A View to a Kill
Paul Young - Everytime You Go Away
Tears for Fears - Shout
Huey Lewis and The News - The Power of Love
John Parr - St. Elmo's Fire (Man in Motion)
Dire Straits - Money for Nothing
Ready For The World - Oh Sheila
a-ha - Take on Me
Whitney Houston - Saving All My Love for You
Stevie Wonder - Part-Time Lover
Jan Hammer - Miami Vice Theme
Starship - We Built This City
Phil Collins and Marilyn Martin - Separate Lives
Mr. Mister - Broken Wings
Lionel Richie - Say You, Say Me

I have to admit, I still like most of those songs. Some of them I don’t recognize at all (Phil Collins and who now? Oh Sheila? Not ringing a bell. ), and a few I never liked (Careless Whisper is creepy and Like A Virgin was just so blatant and cheesy, ick) but for the most part, I like all these songs. In fact, to be honest, I have a lot of the in my mp3 collection. Dunno if that proves anything, but there it is.

Over in the world of the movies, the Oscar winners for 1985 don’t have much that appeals to me. I was WAY too young to see Kiss Of The Spider Woman, Out Of Africa was boring except when there were lions on the screen, I’ve never seen The Color Purple, Prizzi’s Honor, or The Trip To Bountiful, and Cocoon was okay. Not fantastic, but okay.

Well, to round it out, let’s do television. What television shows were hot in 1985?

The Cosby Show
Family Ties
Murder, She Wrote
60 Minutes
Cheers
Dallas
(tie) Dynasty
(tie) The Golden Girls
Miami Vice
Who’s the Boss?
Night Court
CBS Sunday Night Movie
Highway to Heaven
Kate & Allie
NFL Monday Night Football
Newhart
(tie) Knots Landing
(tie) Growing Pains
You Again?
227

Holy crap, that was the golden age of the sitcom. No wonder I grew up loving the sitcom so much. Half of the top shows that year were sitcoms, and by gum, I think I watched all over them. Even 227, although I never liked it that much.

And I certainly remember all the shows. Except for You Again?, which Wikipedia tells me was also a sitcom, starring Jack Klugman. Made the top 20 but I never heard of it before now. Go figure.

So while the music has songs I like, but nothing that leaps out as OH MY GOD THAT WAS THE BEST EVER, and the Oscars went to nothing I care about, there are two things on the TV listings that are, to me, things which will always shine out forever as two of the best things ever :

Cheers and Night Court.

I love sitcoms, and those two shows are a big part of why. They had wit, warmth, wonder, lovable characters, hilarious situations, and most of all, big hearts. Sitcoms get a bad rap as mindless pap, and most of them deserve it.

But to me, one of the happiest periods of my life was when I could watch Cheers and Night Court back to back, one night a week.

It was like winning the lottery twice in one day, and it happened every week!

Still, I can’t say that 1985 seems like an especially wonderful year to me. I like things from all over the timescape and that’s unlikely to change. I happen to think that Night Court is one of the best anythings of any kind anywhere, but I don’t pretend that is objectively true for everyone (much).

Pop culture is a product of the times, and the things we fall in love with growing up are the best things for us, at that time. It’s depressing and hilarious to look back at some of the things I used to love like crazy as a kid now. Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends is a crappy show, but I loved it SO MUCH when I was a kid, so much so that for years I had an irrational dislike of The Hulk simply because his show came on after SAHAF, and therefore him showing up meant my favorite show was over.

I don’t pretend my stuff is better than anyone else’s. I like it better, and that’s enough for me.

And it should be enough for anyone, don’t you think?

LOL : Please claim your underwear

Jul 11

Posted by MegaWordMan in Odd, World | No Comments

Police in Gloucestershire (pronounced by making a faint choking sound at the back of your throat) have arrested an underwear thief and recovered his stash of 20 items of miscellaneous underclothing, and are now looking for people to come forward to claim their underwear.

Now that has to be a unique social situation. Going to the police station to identify your underwear. I can’t imagine they’ll get many takers. Underwear is cheap and so few people are going to want to endure the embarrassment just to get it back.

And of course, some of it is, well, more decorative than functional and is meant more to show off its contents than protect them, and that’s the sort that you definitely will NOT get anyone to show up and retrieve, no matter what they paid.

“Yes officer, that’s my sequined leather jockstrap with A MILE OF MAN embroidered across the um…. no, my name isn’t Miles or Mile, why do you…. oh, a-hah-hah, very funny. ”

In fact, I can see some people showing up at the station, waiting in line to talk to the front desk clerk, then losing their nerve when it came time to say “I’m here for my underwear, Officer. ”

“Hello, I’m here about the, um….. I saw this notice in the paper, and I um…. they said that someone had stolen some, er, things, and….. uh…. lovely year for this time of weather, isn’t it?”

Of course, if you, like the thief in this case, are somewhat of an underclothing enthusiast yourself, and have nerves of tungsten steel, you could probably show up at the station and claim a few choice trophies for your collection and none’s the wiser.

“Yes, my name is John Hodges, and oooh yes, those bubblegum-pink crotchless panties are DEFINITELY mine, as well as these darling baby-blue stockings and…. let’s see what else we have…. oooh! This white cotton bra would be perfect with my… I mean, DOES go perfect with my…. um, listen, I’m going to go try this one one on… to make sure it’s mine, of course… is there a ladies’ room near?”

The whole thing just sounds like a perfect setup for a Bob Newhart routine.

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WTF : Woman falls out of back of limo?

Jul 11

Posted by MegaWordMan in Odd | No Comments

There’s got to be more to this story.

According to this story from the Denver Post, a 21 year old woman was riding in the back of a limo, alone, when the driver heard a noise, looked back, and discovered he was alone in the limo and the door was open.

Turns out, the young lady had somehow parted company with the limo and was now very seriously injured. She had to be flown to hospital via medical helicopter and is in intensive care.

The story implies that this means the woman “fell out” of the back of the limo. But a limo is not a freaking pickup truck. You don’t just fall out of the back of it like you’re potato on the way to market on a bumpy road. People are not produce.

So obviously, the young lady played some part in her egress from the vehicle. Even if the door had a bad latch and popped open on its own, unless this guy was riving at high speed on a winding road, she still would not have fallen out.

Now seeing as this incident happened at 2 am, and the young lady is 21, and involves a limo, I’m guessing there might be some alcohol involved. I’m not saying she was drunk, but she might have had a few and was not thinking clearly. She might have momentarily forgotten where she was, and in a moment of confusion, thought the vehicle had stopped and it was time to get out. And it had not, and was not.

It’s also possible that her decision to leave might have been the result of an argument with the driver about the fare, or simply the result of her not knowing where she was. I’ve certainly had periods of disjointed time while under the influence, when I ended up places without being able to recall how I got there, or indeed, where the hell I was. I could see how this might cause someone to panic and go for the door handle.

Either way, I’m betting there’s more to this than simply “she fell out”.

People don’t fall out of limos!

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Thoughts : Steampunk and nostalgia

Jul 11

Posted by MegaWordMan in Articles | 2 Comments

There’s a lot more to it than just this picture, but this will give you a taste :

Han Solo and Chewbacca, Steampunk'd

Pretty cool huh? Click here to see the rest of the art.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how culture processes history. It’s a lot more complicated than “now” versus “then”. How else can we explain “steampunk”? A period of history more than a century past ‘suddenly’ gains this appeal and cachet, seemingly from out of nowhere. Why?

And I’m part of it too. I think steampunk is awesome. I love how the clothes and devices look. I love the setting. If there’s ever a Steampunk Fair or the like here in the GVRD, I’d be tempted to go, assuming I can get the clothes together. I think I’d either go for “Back-Alley Trader” or “Scullery Nobility”. Or possible “Nouveau Riche Banker” if I could pull it off. That one could be funny.

But why now? Presumably, the actual source material has been just as cool for pretty much the entirety of its existence. But we had to come to this specific place in the history of global mainstream culture in order for it to come to the fore. Why?

I think it’s because steampunk represents a period of history that is out of living memory for the bulk of the culture. It has no historical imprint in the zeitgeist any more except, and I think this is key, from the art and writing of the period. So it’s in a perfect position for us to imagine it to be whatever we want it to be, within limits.

In that sense, I think it’s become the New Medieval Times, which explains why Steampunk Fairs are replacing Renaissance Fairs all over the place. We’ve somewhat outgrown the dragons, damsels, and daring idea. It’s done, it’s been thoroughly plumbed. A hundred years from now, we’ll probably come back to it, but for now, it’s pretty much thoroughly mined.

Steampunk, on the other hand, is fresh and new. And most importantly, it’s urban. In this era when the tipping point of urbanization is being reached all over the world and whole nations are, for the first time in history, more urban than rural, it’s getting harder and harder for any of us to empathize with rural life at all. We’re many generations away from the farm, and with the ability of mass culture to be as close as your iPad pocket, the idea of bucolic medieval life, with no mass culture, no civilization, no sanitation for that matter, loses its last nostalgic glimmer.

I can relate to turn-of-the-twentieth-century London, just barely. Sure, there was no cars or television, but there was urban culture, a consumer economy, a life of streets and shops and apartments. It’s as far back in history as you can go and still get that. I think that might be the key to the appeal.

It’s like all of history is constantly being processed by the collective unconscious, and when various eras are ready (or needed), they emerge again, and get processed consciously again, one level deeper.

Right now, at the same time as this steampunk trend, we are also, it seems, giving one of my key eras, the eighties, its first serious trip back through the mass mind. I still find this hard to accept. To me, the eighties are just… there. I was there, stuff happened, some good, some bad. It’s not exactly “just like yesterday” to me, but it still doesn’t feel like it was anything special.

And I can’t help feeling sort of embarrassed for the young hipsters of today idolizing my youth. It seems sad to me, although I can’t think of a reason why they shouldn’t, other than to me, the eighties are still something that is part of my personal past, something I’ve been through and come out the other side, and for them to want to go there still seems embarrassingly backwards.

For me, the romance has only gotten to the seventies. I’m definitely feeling potent nostalgia for the decade of the first seven years of my childhood. And with this nostalgia comes a certain fascination, because I feel that as I discover these feelings about that bygone era. I am rediscovering a lost era of my personal history, something that has been there all this time, waiting for me to find it again.

Perhaps that’s why I am not really nostalgic for the eighties yet. I haven’t lost contact with it in my mind.

Awcrap : Carl’s Junior testing foot-long burger

Jul 11

Posted by MegaWordMan in News | 2 Comments

It’s official. The War Against Your Health has begun.

First there was the Double Down, a “sandwich” made by making a bacon and cheese sandwich with two KFC fried chicken patties as “bread”.

When we start messing with the basic definition of something as simple and universe as “sandwich”, (practically anything between two slices of BREAD) you know that unnatural forces of unearthly origin are gnawing away at the very fundamentals of human existence.

Then there was the first Carl’s Junior abomination : The Grilled Cheese Bacon Burger, a patty melt style burger where the “bread” is actually two grilled cheese sandwiches.

Yes. We’ve begun making sandwiches out of OTHER SANDWICHES. This is an unmistakable and unarguable argument that the fast food industry has been invaded by Unnatural Beings from Another Plane whose corrupting influence has warped the very substance of food as we know it with its perverse geometries.

Now Carl’s Junior has upped the ante with the Foot Long Burger.

Now traditional fast food fare is cross-mating. Suddenly, I realize the Coney Island Fries at A&W are part of a trend. I fear we’re now going to see the kind of tightly-constrained innovation war for market share in fast food that has been happening in chocolate bars for a few years now.

The problem the chocolate bar makers face is that people are notoriously gunshy about the introduction of any new elements to the chocolate bar world. There’s certain things that are accepted ingredients (chocolate, marshmallow, nuts, caramel, etc) and it’s damned hard to add anything new to the list, ever.

So innovation was very slow for a while. But in the last five years or so, it’s gone berserk. They are stuck just combining the same things over and over again in new forms trying to innovate and gain market turf without shocking the customer.

And it looks like fast food is going the same way. I shudder to think of what comes next. Burger McNuggets? Salsa with taters tots floating in it (Fiesta Nugget Surprise!) ? Drinkable fried chicken?

I keep having this vision of people lining up to have a funnel shoved into their throats and a giant roiling turning sputtering fulminating ball of grease plungered down into their stomachs by a laughing, weeping minimum wage slave army, who play Russian Roulette between customers just to take the edge off.

All that stuff they told us about the “power of the imagination!” in the seventies never mentioned that having a vivid imagination had a down side.

You lied to me, Doug Henning! YOU LIED TO ME!

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