The Million Word Year

One man. One blog. One year. One million words.

Archive for July 16th, 2010

Journal : Dreams go Cronenberg

Jul 16

Posted by MegaWordMan in Journal | No Comments

My brain is really out-doing itself lately in what it comes up with while I dream.

This afternoon, I dreamed that something had happened to my lower face that made all the flesh and muscles attached to my lower jaw turns loose and rubbery, giving me drooping, dripping jowls that hung from my face and jiggled and swung when I talked or moved.

And this being a dream, I was all “Hmm, gee, I guess I better call up the doctor and have him take a look at this”, instead of how I would really react if this happened in the waking world, which I’m pretty sure would start with screaming over and over again at the top of my lung in sheer object freaked out fucked up horror and end with a straitjacket, a rubber room, and a wicked high dose of Thorazine.

While I was dealing with situation (which for some reason involved using a pay phone located in a men’s room to call my doctor in… well, anyhow), my sister Catherine was also there (sorry you got dragged into this, Sis!) and for some reason she had a pink flesh “tail” on her stomach, quite horrible and nasty and gross, and after I looked at that, it just got worse and worse, with her sprouting big wobbly sacs of fluid and fat greasy looking flesh fingers and, well, holy CRAP. This was the sort of thing that you see in an anime like Akira, or in H. R. Giger art, not my personal dream space. What the fuck?

So. How is YOUR brain these days?

Cool : A full sized LEGO house

Jul 16

Posted by MegaWordMan in Links, Video | 2 Comments

Warning, this clip ends abruptly. Don’t know why.

I love that people go together and made something so wonderful and impractical. Obviously, you couldn’t actually live there. But it’s still quite lovely that it exists at all, and as a bit of a tourist magnet (or at least, a television journalist looking for light human interest story magnet) it’s quite practical.

Anyone know what show this is? I like the host, he seems like a good natured eccentric. My kind of person.

Just trying to imagine the amount of work involved in clicking together all that LEGO makes my fingers sore. It would be fun, but hard. The outer walls alone must have been a staggering amount of effort.

Now myself, I never played with LEGO much as a kid. As a kid, I was never much into toys, honestly, just books. (Explains a lot, doesn’t it?) And of course, when they came along, video games. But I can definitely see the appeal of LEGO. You can click together anything you can think of, given enough blocks, and none of it requires much in the way of manual dexterity. Just push the bottom of one brick onto the top of another, and CLICK, they are joined. Don’t like it? A tug, and CLICK, they are apart again.

I like any form of art which is that forgiving of mistakes.

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Thoughts : The problem with my brain

Jul 16

Posted by MegaWordMan in Articles | No Comments

I’ve been giving the ol’ metaconsciousness a workout lately and pondering what sorts of problems I seem to face over and over again, and what they might have in common, and what that might mean about my grey matter and its weaknesses, and I think I have a pretty good lead on what I lack.

Basically, the problem is that I lack the capacity to hold a lot of information in my mind without immediately processing, categorizing, and fitting it into a bigger picture. It seems to be inherent in my mind that everything has to either fit or be rejected immediately to make room for the next thing, and the next, and this does not allow for a more careful, slow, deliberate inductive reasoning approach, where a large amount of information is slowly boiled down to one well reasoned choice.

And that’s the real crux of my issues is choice. Options. Option paralysis. I’ve been thinking for some time that this is a central, tragic flaw of mine, that I am so prone to option paralysis. There’s an awwful lot in life that requires making an intelligent choice from a very large number of options, and this increases exponentially when you have a highly creative mind that’s always acutely aware of all the millions of millions of possibilities inherent in every single second of existence.

Most people live their lives both limited by and supported by a set of invisible rails, formed from experience and temperament, that limits their options and their possibilities so that their lives progress along a certain established path and they can make their choices one at a time, spaced far apart, and with a fairly limited menu of options for each choice.

But unnatural mental perverts like me have no rails. We’re naked before possibility, unfiltered and raw, and while this is what gives us our extraordinarily creative minds that can see possibilities where others see only brick walls and despair, it also means that the part of the mind that sorts through options and picks one is almost always in a state of backlog and overload, and ready to collapse.

That’s what seems to happen all too often to me. I try to make decisions about my life and my career and whatnot, and the options start occurring to me, and before long, my brain has crashed and I give up and stop thinking about it for a while longer.

Obviously, this is completely unacceptable, and a major contributing factor to my not getting anywhere in life. I can;t even pick a path to follow, let alone follow it, if I am going to be continuously copping out and crashing out on the decision making process.

I think a key part of this crash is that my brain insists on evaluating each option one at a time, and for things without a lot of options, that’s very fast and efficient. You compare A to B, and B to C, and then A to C, and you get a decision. But when there’s more options with more variables than that, you have to organize and process the information BEFORE you start comparing and evaluating each possibility, otherwise you’re like a juggler with too many balls.

Luckily, I don’t think it’s a matter of my brain simply being incapable of the right kind of thinking. I’ve just never developed the right sort of discipline. It’s true that slow and deliberate decision making via patient, linear thinking does not come easily to me, but I think I can learn to do it, now that I am fully cognizant of just how much my inability to overcome my option paralysis has trapped, limited, and stunted me.

It may require using some simple decision making aids, like making a pro/con list, or prioritization list, or some other form of reducing the cognitive load by externalizing the option list so I can avoid that fatal overload.

I certainly will be devoting a lot of my considerable contemplation CPU cycles to the problem. It’s amazing and amusing that I can easily ponder a complex moral problem or abstruse philosophical point for days, both in the foreground and the background of my mind, and yet something as seemingly trivial and simple as picking a cell phone leaves me flummoxed. It’s a sign of how truly idea-oriented and big-picture my mind tends to be. Once things get too literal and discrete and finite, I can’t handle them any more.

Well, hopefully I’m going to change all that in the future.

But first, I suppose, I’ll have to pick a way to do it…

Music : Hanson is back!

Jul 16

Posted by MegaWordMan in Links, Video | 2 Comments

Remember Hanson, the band of brothers who tortured/delighted the world with Mmmmbop back in 1997? (Holy crap, has it been 13 years since Mmmbop? It feels like five! Oldness attacks suck. )

Well those adorable long-haired boys who rocked the world back then are back, grown up and with wives and kids of their own, and they’ve put out this bit of nigh-irresistible seventies-flavoured summer pop.

I have to admit, I wasn’t prepared to like the song. I figured, another lame comeback, meh. Sometimes people should stay gone, you know? Preserve the legacy.

But damn, that’s one fun song. Nothing life changingly deep, but it’s feel-good sunshine pop, and sometimes that’s just what the doctor ordered. It’s make-you-wanna-dance music, and I love how seventies it is, especially, obviously, the Blues Brothers-inspired video.

Plus, I have no lingering seething hatred of Hanson, because I was not a parent of teenyboppers back in 1997 and thus was not subjects to Mmmbop on heavy repeat for hours on end like some were.

Hell, some of those selfsame teenyboppers are probably now parents themselves whose kids are tortuing them with Justin Bieber. Hey, remember when we thought that all the people spaz-gasming over Hanson, a group of tweenish boys, was kind of creepy?

WE HAD NO IDEA.

Jesus, I hope that this doesn’t mean that in 13 years, there will be massive numbers of people openly aroused by some kid who’s what, eight? Nine? A disturbing thought.

And parents will have found a haircut for their boys that makes their head look even MORE like a penis.

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Rant : The meaning of the word “free”

Jul 16

Posted by MegaWordMan in Articles | 1 Comment

This has been pissing me off for a while now, and it’s high time I vented about it.

People are getting pretty fast and loose with the meaning of the word “free” in its monetary context.

So let me start out by making something perfectly clear : A good or service is not free unless it costs me absolutely, positively no money, ever. It is impossible to charge people money for a product, in any form and however phrased, and have that good or service remain, in any sense of the word, free. In order for said good or service to be classified as free, I have to be able to acquire it without my amount of money changing in the least. It has to be an entirely cost free transaction. The transaction must end with me having the good or service and the same amount of money I had before the transaction. Anything else, no matter what you call it, how you phrase it, or how fast you move things around shell game style, is a sale or an outright scam. It is not, however, in absolutely any possible relevant meaning of the term, free, and in my opinion, if you ever charge money for something you claimed you were giving away for free, you have committed fraud and should be put in jail for a very long time.

Now to me, this seems perfectly obvious and I’m amazing, astounded, and perturbed that this very basic truth about the nature of economics, commerce, logic, and reality has recently come up for debate. There’s two main offenders in this area, and I am saddened by the chicanery that these villains are perpetrating with apparently no consequences whatsoever.

The first is all these “free” massively multiplayer online flash games that one sees advertised all over on the Web, especially in the ads embedded in Flash games, unsurprisingly. They all lure you in with “FREE TO PLAY!” or “FREE EPIC MMPORPG” or even “FREE FOREVER GUARANTEED”.

Now this is not a flat-out outright lie, because technically, you do not ever have to pay the people money to play the game. Technically. But absolutely everything about the game is designed to twist your arm into forking over money to the developers. Everything you do is in the super slow lane. The games gives you a quick jolt of fun and excitement when you first sign up, then tapers you off rapidly in the hopes of making you an addict that will pay whatever they are asking in order to get your next fix. Buy absurd amounts of fictional currency with real money? Sure. Pay even more for special access to certain modes? Why not. Pay even more money so you can get fancier, customized virtual gear? Makes sense to me! And while you’re at it, why not buy some of our T-shirts, coffee cups, Pez dispensers, and glow in the dark condoms with your character’s name spelled out in bold neon?

But, hey, it’s still technically free, in the same sense that “the first time is free” when you are dealing with a drug dealer. In both cases, the free sample is given only in the hope that you will become a long time customer and give them far, far more money than that “free” sample could ever have cost them.

If they were honest, they’d say “Free to try, but if you don’t pay us money, the game will stop being worth playing and we’ll be constantly pounding on you to buy some of the real currency of the game and pressuring you to spend spend spend and making it as clear as possible without coming right out and saying it that we think you people playing free are complete and total losers, and cheap to boot. So really, it’s not worth even signing up, is it? Go play a truly free Flash game and save your money for something meaningful. ”

But I guess that would be kind of hard to fit in a banner ad or a Mochi ad.

As bad as this disingenuous mealy-mouthed bullshit from the “free” game world is, it pales in comparison to the latest line of sentience-insulting cow feces from the world of infomercials, mail-order, credit cards, and 1-800 numbers with operators standing by.

For years, these sleazy customers have been showing their contempt for the public with things like “only three easy payments of $19.99!” (we know you’re too lazy to do the multiplication and you’ll just go “Hey, it’s only $19.99!”) and “It’s only $19.99, plus $10 shipping and handling!” (then it’s really $29.99, isn’t it, asshole? That’s how much money it will cost me to get it, so that’s the fucking price. Don’t try to blame it on the meaningless term “shipping and handling”. You’re trying to tell me it costs you $10 to ship something by a method that takes 4 to 6 WEEKS? I could FedEx it overnight to myself for that! You’re not fooling anyone!)

But now they have outdone themselves. It’s not enough any more that shipping and handling is blatantly just code for “the rest of the price”, they have starting to piggyback that bullshit into completely destroying the meaning of the word “free”.

You’ll be watching one of these ads, and they’ll say “We’ll even give you a second Rotary Anus Scratcher for free! (just pay separate shipping and handling)”.

Excuse me, WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? In the same sentence, you called something free then told me you were going to charge me money for it? How stupid do you think people are? It was bad enough when you’d say “We’ll give you a second one FREE”, when the item is clearly a cheap piece of plastic crap that they could charge you five bucks for and still be making a huge profit and they’re charging people $19.99 for it (plus “shipping and handling”), and the item is clearly something that you probably don’t even want one of, let alone two. That was contemptuous enough.

But now you’re doing the same thing but charging them bullshit “shipping and handling” charges to boot? And calling this giving you something for free? Read my definition above, you shitstains. It’s only free if it costs me no money. Call it whatever the hell you want, whether it’s “shipping and handling” or a “restocking free” or “ass grease rental”, if you’re charging me money it is not free. I can’t beleifve someone would have the nerve to fuck people over so blatantly and expect to get away with it. But given how much bullshit this industry has historically gotten away with, I guess I can see why this would seem no different, and so far, they are, indeed, getting away with it,

And I know a lot of people hate government intervention of all kinds, but would it be too much to ask to have the broadcast regulators take at least some basic steps to make sure that blatant bullshit like this goes off the air? Make the people selling all those gadgets, weight loss DVDs, and skin care “systems” state the full price, no subdividing, no “easy payments”, no “shipping and handling”, just the total amount of money it will cost the consumer to get the damned thing.

The “free” MMPORPG issue is tricker, because regulating the Internet is nearly impossible (thank goodness), but at least somewhat respectable sites could reject misleading ads. Make the people come clean and say their games are free to try but if you like it, you’ll have to pay money to keep having any fun.

Otherwise, the public dignity and respect will continue to be eroded away by the rise of lies and cheap scams masquerading as genuine commerce, and the public consumer confidence can only suffer.

Free means free. That’s it. It really is that simple. It’s not an ambiguous question that could go either way depending on your point of view, though I am sure the lawyers would love to convince you otherwise.

It’s as simple as the difference between “some” and “none”. I either pay no money, in which case it is free, or I pay some money, in which case I have purchased it.

There is no middle ground.

Free is free, period.

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Canada : Supreme Court upholds conviction

Jul 16

Posted by MegaWordMan in Canada, Law | 3 Comments

And I think they made the right decision.

Here’s the skinny : a guy is busted because he was talking dirty with a 13 year old boy on an adult chat site on the good ol Internet. . Tsk tsks. Our perp says he thought the boy was 18, because he “typed too fast and his profile said he was 18″. This, despite the fact that the person he was chatting with repeatedly asserted that he was only 13 years old.

Busted, dude. I’m surprised this went all the way to the Supreme. Seems pretty obvious to me that this guy thought he was chatting with a 13 year old boy and that didn’t slow him down at all. The full story over on the CBC website says the case was about what is the reasonable amount of effort someone should put into finding out how old the person one is chatting with truly is, but to me, it’s pretty obvious that if someone says they are 13, they are 13, no matter what they said in some profile or how fast they type. Sounds to me like our perp got flat out busted with his hand in the nookie jar, and came up with this “I thought he was eighteen!” bullshit as a cover, and a pretty weak one at that.

So whether or not it should be a crime to talk dirty with a 13 year old boy or not, this guy’s clearly guilty. Why would someone who was really 18 tell you, over and over again, that they were 13? Just for kicks? And which seems more likely, a 13 year old pretending to be 18 to get access to an adult shat room, or an 18 year old pretending to be 13 just for the heck of it?

Oh, and of course, the 13 year old boy was, in reality, an undercover cop. I’d think that even the dimmest pedophiles would have figured out that there’s a very good chance that anyone online who claims to be underage who seems weirdly interested in talking sex with a grownup (in a suggestive not not leading manner, of course) is probably a agent of one of the dozens of agencies, both government and NGO, who are stalking pedos on the Internet these days.

If it seems too good to be true, it probably is, folks. But I suppose horniness suppresses rational thought.

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LOL : World’s Largest Skateboard

Jul 16

Posted by MegaWordMan in Links, Video | 1 Comment

I love, love, love this kind of insanity.

I just wish they had included something about who built the giant skateboard and why. I really want to know what mad genius said “There shall be a skateboard, and it shall be as big as an empty flatbed. This I have decreed!” and then went and made it happen.

And I love the guy’s retelling of what happened. I think this is one of those things that women don’t quite get about men : we’ll do crazy things first just for the experience, but then for the privilege of having an awesome, funny, crazy story to tell afterward, and thus gain status in the eyes of our peers and be the center of attention for a while. When you compare that to some physical danger, it seems like a pretty good deal, at least when you’re young and full of testosterone. And it’s something any male can do. All it takes is courage/insanity. So some males make that their “thing”. They’re not the smartest, fastest, strongest, or richest, but they’re the craziest. WOO HOO! Allright.

What I’d really love to do with the giant skateboard, though, is make it into a central prop in the world’s most retarded post-apocalyptic movie EVER. Imagine the giant skateboard with a crude sail made out of plastic shopping bags stitched together with binder-twine and fish hooks, covered in crazy post-apocalyptic pirates dress in random bits of garbage. They roam the barren plains of this new, harsh world, in search of that which they prize more than anything else in the world : Cinnabon!

Tell me that wouldn’t be fun!

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WTF : The Bottomless Foot Plane

Jul 16

Posted by MegaWordMan in Links, Video | No Comments

Someone has clearly watched WAY too much Flintstones as a child.

Seriously… why? Gliders have had wheels for quite a while now. They seemed to work well enough. What would a possess a person to forgo the nice safe wheels and the nice safe bottom of the glider they are attached to and then go flying (well, gliding) about with a giant hole leading to plummety doom right underneath their behinds?

Is it a weight thing? Is it that it? Is every extra ounce you take aloft with you less flight time, or something? If so, it hardly seems worth it.

I’m thinking the main reason to do this is that it gets the pilot that little bit closer to the true human dream, being able to fly like a bird, with our own wings. I think that’s what gets people into gliding in the first place, whether it’s in an ultralight glider like the one in the clip, or hang gliding. Sure, you can get there faster and safer in a real airplane. But that’s not the point of gliding. The point of gliding is to have as little between you and the open air as you can, so you can play in the wind and soar and loop just like a bird, or an angel.

Too crazy for me, but I can see the appeal.

At least my first impression, that the craft had absolutely no landing gear and the pilot was going to have to land on his feet just like he took off from them, turned out not to be true. That would have been a little TOO Flintstones, and sounds like a great way to break a leg or two. No, the craft has an inset landing wheel, and a smooth underside, so presumably it’s going to belly-slide in order to land and the wheel is just there to give you the ability to steer it a bit while that happens.

So the pilot is not completely insane. Just nuttier that average even for a glider pilot.

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Cute : Otter swimming lessons

Jul 16

Posted by MegaWordMan in Links, Video | No Comments

Turns out, being a parent means forcing yoru kids to do thing they don’t want to do even when you’re a mama otter and your little ones need to learn to swim.

I love how the kit is like “whoa, WTf? I’m outta here!” at first. I identify with that little otterling. In my childhood, I was always the one who didn’t quite react the way I was supposed to, or the way a normal kid would react. I was always stubbornly different, even when it was not in my best interests.

What can I say…. I gotta be me.

Mostly ’cause nobody else would take the job.

In my mind, I’m imagining a little dialogue between mother otter and baby.

Mother : “Get back in here, you!”
Baby : “But mama, I don’t like the water!”
Mother : “What do you mean, you don’t like the water. We’re OTTERS, we love the water!”
Baby : “I don’t care! I want to go back to the den where I was warm and dry!”
Mother : “You can go back to the den when you’re done learning to swim. ”
Baby : “I don’t want to learn to swim, I want to lie on my belly and eat fish!”
Mother : “Where do you think the fish COMES FROM?”
Baby : “From you, Mama!”
Mother : “Yes dear, but where do you think I get it?”
Baby : (long, thoughtful silence)”…. outside?”
Mother : “Yes dear, but where outside? I’ll tell you : in the water!”
Baby : “There’s fish in the water?”
Mother : “The water is where fish live, dear. And if you learn to swim, you can get all the fish you want, whenever you want. ”
Baby : “*gasp* all the fish I want and I don’t have to SHARE?”
Mother : “Uh huh. Now get back in the water. I promise you’ll learn to love it if you give it a chance. ”

Hmmm. That turned out longer than I’d expected. Oh well. Cute, tho.

Of course, in nature, there is no negotiations. She just hauls the little one back into the water by force.

Whether this causes long-lasting psychological harm that otter adults are still dealing with years later is unknown, due to the death of otter therapists.

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